Throughout history, human beings have grappled with and attempted to express grief, whether through funerary rituals, art or the written word. Grief is one of the few universal experiences, and loss is an inevitable part of life. As time has gone on and technology has advanced, we have even developed our understanding of how and why we go through the grieving process.
But even with this history of art and literature and our growing bank of scientific understanding, being faced with grief can still unmoor us and leave us feeling adrift – and one form of grief which can be particularly difficult to navigate is cumulative grief. In this article, we explore the concept of cumulative grief, and how people can move forward from loss.
What is cumulative grief?
Cumulative grief is a term to describe the feelings a person may experience when they have faced many losses, whether that’s all at once or consecutively. It may occur when you lose a loved one before having fully recovered from the loss of another, or when a multitude of losses converge in a short amount of time.
It’s important to understand that grief isn’t necessarily confined to bereavement. People can feel grief when they lose a relationship, home, career, their health or even a cherished dream. It is, unfortunately, the case that one misfortune can lead to another – for instance, the pain of bereavement placing pressure on a marriage, which leads to divorce, and thus the loss of a home. At other times, it seems like a series of negative events converge randomly.
This sense that difficulties tend to arrive together is expressed across cultures. In Hebrew, the phrase “bad things come in packages” reflects the English idiom “bad things come in threes”, while Japanese people have the saying “when crying, I was stung by a bee.” While no grief journey is the same, everyone needs time to absorb, acknowledge and ultimately heal from their loss, but in the case of cumulative grief, the space to process and make sense of their feelings is exactly what they lack.
What are the effects of cumulative grief?
Many find it useful to understand grief through the Five Stages, defined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross when she researched those facing their own death through terminal illness. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – although as Kübler-Ross explained herself in her original book On Death and Dying, these stages do not tend to be linear, with people moving neatly from one stage to another.
Despite this, in most experiences of grief, although people may be rocked by feelings of loss or feel waves of emotion at different times, they will find with time that their pain becomes easier to bear, and that eventually they can live with their loss and look towards the future. In cases of cumulative grief, however, this process can be disrupted, and lead to issues such as:
- Being overwhelmed and unable to cope.
- A sense that you are being uniquely targeted or punished.
- Avoidance of and the inability to face your feelings.
- The development of mental health issues such as depression.
- Anhedonia or numbness.
- Spiritual loss of faith.
- Loss of faith in life in general.
How can you cope with cumulative grief?
There has been some discussion around resisting the urge to ‘medicalise’ grief – with terms such as ‘complicated grief’ being controversial because, in some people’s view, every kind of grief is complicated. But while grief is natural, and something we all have to experience in order to come out of the other side, when losses pile up it is easy to understand how people can become caught in a downward spiral and may need extra help to recover.
There is therefore no shame in visiting a GP or other medical professional if the experience of cumulative grief has left you feeling overwhelmed or unable to function.
It may be the case that you would benefit from talking therapies, or that other kinds of treatment will offer some reprieve and the space you need to make positive steps. Local bereavement support groups can be a lifeline, connecting people who have similar experiences and allowing them to share their emotions and help each other. You can also find a selection of charities here that may be able to offer assistance.
There isn’t an easy answer to overcoming cumulative grief, but some considerations you may find helpful are outlined below:
Understand that loss can affect your physical health: The pain and exhaustion we feel in grief isn’t only in our minds – it can be physical too. From chest pain, to sleeplessness, to weight loss, there are many physical symptoms of grief, and you may find yourself particularly vulnerable to niggly illnesses such as colds and tummy upsets. Give yourself the time you need to rest, eat nutritious meals and try to find ways to reduce your mental load, whether that’s speaking to your employers or asking friends and family for practical support such as childcare.
Accept that you will need to engage with grief to recover and that this may take time: The world doesn’t stop turning even when we are facing difficult circumstances, and it’s understandable that you may repress your feelings simply to function and meet your daily responsibilities. It’s important to remember, however, that grief that’s avoided will manifest itself eventually, and that in order to heal, your emotions will need to take precedence at some point. In cases of cumulative grief, some people can find it easier to face one thing at a time – focusing on one loss before moving on to deal with another. This can be a long journey.
Understand that progress isn’t always straightforward: The nature of grief, and particularly cumulative grief, is that you can believe you’ve made real progress only to fall backwards. This may be discouraging, but even if it feels like a case of “one step forward, two steps back”, that all-important healing is still taking place. Having outside support, such as a counsellor, spiritual leader or even trusted friend, can help to provide a soft landing when you stumble.
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The journey through cumulative grief is long and will have its setbacks, but by extending kindness to yourself and seeking the help of others, healing is possible. The human spirit is resilient, and as communicated by the Buddhist Parable of the Mustard Seed, in loss, people are never alone – by accepting the universal impermanence of life and sadness of loss, you can build a path towards peace.