Anger is one of the famous seven stages of grief, and something that we can expect to feel when we are faced with loss. And yet it’s a stage that we might fear or try to suppress, due to the negative connotations many of us have and sense of shame we may feel if and when anger affects our actions. Anger is not often regarded as a socially acceptable emotion, and this can make us forget that grieving and anger often go hand-and-hand.
Anger is a very natural and normal part of the grieving process, and need not be a destructive force if understood and dealt with appropriately. While taking out our anger on others is never acceptable, no matter how much we are grieving, there are ways in which we can tackle this energy and channel it in a constructive way.
Why do we feel anger when we grieve?
The first step to conquering anger as a part of the grieving process is to understand why we feel it in the first place. Anger is essentially our natural way of attempting to rationalise something and failing to do so. After all, death doesn’t always have a sensible or logical reason, and even when it does, it can still feel unfair. Our brains are not good at being rational when in a state of grief. The death of a loved one, while it might be accepted on an intellectual level, it needs to be accepted on an emotional one too.
Anger also comes from the understanding of just how little control we have over life and death; a concept that can be profoundly uncomfortable to contemplate. As humans, we like to think that we have control over our lives. When the inevitable happens, we may lash out, which is why grieving and anger tend to come together.
The natural angry response to grief can also be exacerbated when combined with an inability to express oneself. Men in particular can be socliased to believe they must always be stoic and strong for those around them, or that anger is a more “masculine” emotion than sadness. The normal circumstances of life – such as the need to carry on caring for children – may lead people to repressing their grief and it emerging as anger.
Finally, anger can manifest itself because death may feel like – or objectively be – an injustice. We can be angry at our loved one for leaving us, that they never got to live up to their potential, or that they faced many difficulties while they were alive. We may not believe they received adequate care from medical professionals, or that they were failed in some way. Factors such as these, and many more, can give a root to our anger during the grieving process.
What does anger look like?
Anger, especially in the context of grief, doesn’t always express itself in outright rage. Often it’s shown in much more subtle ways. It can also split between the anger we feel towards ourselves and the anger we feel towards other people.
Anger felt at yourself usually comes from guilt relating to something that happened or didn’t happen during their lifetime. For example, if your last words to each other were a fight or if there was something unspoken that never had a chance to be said, that can reflect back onto you in the form of anger. The same is true if you tell yourself that you should have spent more time with the person before they died. This kind of anger usually results in the grieving person punishing themselves in some way or another.
Anger at the person who has died is also another common form, especially if the circumstances of the death were unique or particularly tragic. For example, someone who has lost someone to suicide or drunk driving might feel anger towards their loved one for “abandoning” them because of the way in which they died.
Our anger can also be directed at others. This might be being angry at surviving family members for the way they are processing the loss – for example, if you perceive them to be too upset, or not upset enough. We can even be angry at strangers for expressing happiness and being unaware of and unaffected by what you are going through. Grief is not always reasonable or logical.
Grief in anger can be expressed by pushing others away and refusing help. Avoiding support and affection from others can be a method of self-preservation, as we subconsciously avoid opening ourselves to feeling the pain of loss again. In this case, anger may be a kind of self-deception – a justification for isolating ourselves from others.
We can also be angry at institutions and abstract concepts. For example, a religious person may feel anger towards a god who they feel has deprived them of someone they love. As a result, they might stop going to church. Throughout any of these examples, anger is usually expressed as a form of rebellion or used to punish oneself or others, but rarely does it take the form of actual violence.
Acceptance
Accepting that anger is a natural part of the grieving process is the first step in being able to move past it. There’s no set time limit on how long any one stage of grief should last, but being stuck with feelings of anger for too long can begin to impact on your overall well being.
First, it’s important to confess our anger – to accept and recognise it exactly for the emotion it is – and, once we have done that, to express it in appropriate ways. Screaming in the shower, hitting your pillows, or exercising may help, but it will be better to find some friends with whom you can be open and honest about the way you are feeling. You can seek help from friends you trust, qualified professionals, spiritual leaders and/or support groups with people facing similar circumstances.
It can be extremely tempting to suppress anger, especially if it’s a form that is not socially acceptable such as anger directed towards the person who has died. Either that, or anger is often repressed in order to spare others in our lives stress or worry. This is not helpful as the anger may erupt in inappropriate ways, hurting both yourself and others. It can also lead to general irritability, short-temperedness and even illness. Not facing up to anger will only help to prolong this stage of grief.
Untapped Positivity
Contrary to popular belief, anger need not always be destructive. Consider the anger felt by activists fighting for the human rights of others and how their rage is manifested in life changing movements. When focused appropriately, anger can actually be a terrific motivator and constructive, rather than destructive.
Activism is just one way in which we can focus our energy when we feel angry. Raising awareness of a specific illness is another way in which grieving families often find strength. They use their anger and pain to fuel charity drives, they make donations and they spread awareness to help prevent other people from suffering the same fate.
Even focusing your energy on something like exercise can end up having a positive impact on your health and is a natural stress relief at the same time. Not only that, but forms of physical activity that help to improve your mental and physical health are unlikely to cause harm to others, which is exactly what we want. If you can find a way for anger to motivate you, then make the most of it.
Trying to Find Closure
One method to move past something is through writing it down. The act of expressing the abstract feelings of grief-stricken anger on paper and in a logical fashion can help you untangle what can seem like an interpretable mess in your own head.
You can write and rewrite as many times as you see fit until all your thoughts and feelings are in front of you. It is then recommended that you read the letter out loud to yourself as though you were speaking to the person you are addressing, even if that person is yourself. As hard as this process is, it is supposed to act as a form of catharsis, a confrontation that may not be able to happen in reality, but is able to happen in theory.
Finally, to symbolise moving on and having made peace with your anger, you should either tear up or burn the letter. It’s likely not the sort of thing you will want to stumble upon years down the line and is supposed to exist as a representation of your feelings in this one specific moment. Once it’s destroyed, the physical gesture may just help you move on mentally as well.
__
Although anger is normal in the first few weeks and months after bereavement, anger that persists and consumes your thoughts is always destructive. This kind of long-term anger is usually the result of not being able to accept what has happened. This is why acceptance must always be the first step on the road to recovery and being able to rid ourselves of anger.
If you feel as though you are experiencing an unnaturally long period of anger during grief, it’s recommended to speak to a mental health professional who can support you in finding a way towards acceptance.
__
We have been providing funeral services in Essex since 1958.
Please contact us at any of our four funeral homes, Harold Hill, Hainault, Harold Wood, Collier Row, for any queries, support or advice regarding the funeral planning process.